


The Bad Nights

by nerdistheword



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, M/M, SnowBaz, baz taking care of simon, simon has ptsd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 00:10:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17415218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdistheword/pseuds/nerdistheword
Summary: Some nights, Simon can’t sleep.He can tell when the sleepless nights come because as the sun goes down, he can feel phantom sensations, memories planted on his body returning to pester him in the darkness.Hard snowflakes digging into his skin, freezing wind, his lost magic burning through him. A numbness in his brain, a thoughtless sense of survival. The guilt, the fear, the church tower.





	The Bad Nights

Some nights, Simon can’t sleep.  
He can tell when the sleepless nights come because as the sun goes down, he can feel phantom sensations, memories planted on his body returning to pester him in the darkness.  
Hard snowflakes digging into his skin, freezing wind, his lost magic burning through him. A numbness in his brain, a thoughtless sense of survival. The guilt, the fear, the church tower.  
He doesn’t even try to go to sleep on these nights. He knows that when he closes his eyes, he’ll see everything in sickening clarity. Blonde hair and blood, shattered glass, all his power catching up with him. Snow and magic and Ebb’s staff laying on the ground. The desperate eyes of a man he saw as a father, a bloody dagger.  
The dizzying feeling of pushing every ounce of magic in his being into a massive emptiness. Watching his childhood face disappear as he did. There’s screaming, he can’t tell if it’s him or something else. Collapsing to the floor.  
Hands grabbing him, shaking him. Baz, fangs like knives, tackling the Mage.  
The familiar sage taste of Penny’s magic in his mouth as he screamed “Stop hurting me!” and then the Mage slumping to the ground.  
Christ, then it was quiet. Baz’s voice is somewhere in the back of his memories, trying to soothe him, and then the whole sequence starts again. Flying, glass, blood, Ebb, the Mage, the Humdrum, magic, screaming, Baz and Penny, death, quiet.  
Over and over. In slow and fast motion. Unstoppable, inevitable failure every time.  
Simon doesn’t close his eyes.  
He keeps himself awake, and Penny can’t stop him. She sees how he avoids his bed, notices the fragility, the fear and desperation in his eyes, how he holds himself.  
She makes him tea he doesn’t drink and then goes to bed. She can’t sleep either. Simon keeps himself busy.  
He reads and plays on his phone until his eyes burn and his brain can’t think and then he eats something, even though he can’t really taste anything.  
He’ll go outside and walk around the block a couple times, reminding himself to breathe. He paces up and down the stairs of his building until a grumpy neighbor glares him back to his flat.  
It’s dark and his eyes burn and his chest feels tight and hollow like a drum.  
Penny comes out and sits with him in her pajamas. She leans on his shoulder and for once she can’t say anything because what would she say? Her best friend puts himself through hellish torment because of things that were out of his control. He blames himself for everything that happened, and it eats him alive on nights like this.  
Simon’s legs keep bouncing in and out of rhythm. She calls Baz even though it’s the middle of the night. Baz can pull Simon out of his spirals.  
Baz is awake, studying. He picks up the phone annoyed, but he comes over without hesitation. Penny leaves the two of them alone after squeezing Simon’s hand because she’s there. She’s always there for him.  
When Baz asks Simon if he wants to go to sleep, Simon shakes his head. Baz asks if he’s hungry and he nods. Baz makes him fresh tea and a sandwich and heats up a scone from the day before. He puts too much butter on it, just how Simon likes it.  
Simon eats, and his eyes come back into focus a little. Baz holds him close and runs his fingers through his hair and whispers to Simon about his day. His idiotic classmates, the pigeon he saw that reminded him of Simon.  
Simon could talk, but he doesn’t, and it’s okay. Baz doesn’t push. Baz just holds him as much as he can with wings and a tail blocking his way and holds Simon’s hand. They lay on the couch, wrapped up in each other.  
Baz’s familiar coolness, the scent of his soap, the softness of his voice, and the firm gentleness of his touch brings Simon back to the present.  
By the early hours of the morning, the scary memories and bad thoughts have retreated to the back of Simon’s mind in the place he doesn’t think about. He’s not fixating on the trauma, he’s fixating on Baz and how his hair is messy and his eyes are tired but earnest.  
Simon buries his head in his chest and takes a deep breath. “Thank you.”  
Baz rubs his back between his wings and kisses his head, smiles at those ridiculous curls. “You’re welcome, love. Do you want to go get some breakfast?”  
“In a little while.” Simon yawns and snuggles into Baz. He’s hungry, but unwilling to get up. Baz is holding him, why would he even want to?  
This is what they do. After years of tearing each other down, now they hold one another up. When one of them starts to drift away into the bad thoughts, the other pulls them back.  
One day the nightmares and the flashbacks will fade away. Simon isn’t worried, as long as Baz is there with him when things get too overwhelming.  
Baz holds him tightly, he’s not letting Simon go back into that abyss he holds within himself. He hates that he has so much pain, so much guilt. Simon Snow doesn’t deserve this. Baz would do anything to take it all away.  
But he can’t, so he just makes it his mission to always be there for Simon, to help him fight back against the horrors in his head. He will help him carry on.


End file.
